It's the only path to righteousness, he said.

Every now and then I kid myself into believing I've moved beyond worrying what others think of me - but then I catch myself. True, my recent dedication of self and vocation to social justice issues has put off old friends and family members. But I'm still starstruck by other forms of prestige, especially now that saving the world is in vogue. Top business schools offer special programs for "social entrepreneurs." A popular website, idealist.org, hosts Graduate School Fairs for the Public Good all over the country (I attended the one in San Francisco a couple weeks ago). Even in choosing a placement organization for my year of service in the Lutheran Volunteer Corps, I persuaded myself that working for a slick, business-minded nonprofit organization was the wisest choice.

Nowadays I conjure up ways to pay lip service to my concern for others while keeping safely within the bounds of the reasonable and acceptable to other people. Like joining a cohort of sorely needed young leaders on the nonprofit Executive Director track. Or going to an Ivy League grad school. Or spinning a comfortably legitimate profession into an opportunity to do good. Accounting, say, or law. I don't care much for medicine, but it's a good example since people are always making lofty claims about why they decided to go to med school. Underlying my cautious plans is an ever-present, ever-human fear that I might never amount to anything. I squirm at the thought of leaving my fate to the whim of God and reckless circumstance.

My vocational vacillation reminds me of the frustration I feel with politicians who make lukewarm statements that they know in their hearts to be wrong. We've all heard their faithless words; we've watched them pay for votes with compromises. Sure, maybe the other guy is worse, but where do you draw the line? When do you flip the switch between staying likable enough for others' approval and having the courage to make unlikable decisions?

If you never want to settle for half-truths and tepid compromises, you may well have to get used to a new direction in life: down.

I've begun to suspect that the world will get no better until each one of us finds the humility to give up our quests for personal glory (your name on a brick, as Dr. Manning used to say). Until then, we will perpetuate the systems that legitimize us and appease our fearful egos. We will find excuses to look down upon our neighbors' differences and miss the value and dignity of each human being within.

Downward mobility is a lonely and lightly trodden path. But there's a freedom in it. I don't have to plan or predict where I'll be in a year, who will be a part of my community, or what will become of me. My life need not follow anyone's tired but true formula. What would happen if I surrendered control to the God I claim to trust? Could I let myself be so vulnerable? What would happen if I lived by heart?